Monday, February 25, 2008

Obama Puts the "Sin" in "Sinister"?

Obamadamus has many helpful and devoted truth-hounds who help us ferret out the truth about Beelzebama. But our latest revelation has come not from this grassroots freedom pipeline but from a more banal source: CNN.

While watching the Democratic Debate on Thursday night (to keep track of the what the enemy is saying, of course), both candidates took notes—or drew pictures of each other or whatever one pretended to pensively write while the other exhaled lies. Over the course of this dreadful dramedy, Obamadamus noticed Barack Obama pick up his pen with his left hand. That’s right: Obama is LEFT-HANDED.

As all Christians know, when JC finally makes good on the return half of his round-trip ticket, Earth will experience The Last Judgment. The world will be divided between the saved and the sinners, with the blessed on the right side of God, waved on with his right hand and into Heaven. And on his left? The damned, who get a pimp slap with the back of his left hand as he sends them down to Hell. To the right: Heaven. To the left: Hell. It is no surprise, then, that “left” and “left-handed” have their Latin roots in “sinister" (and you don't have to know Latin to realize that left=liberal). Most people think that to see the Sign of the Beast, you have to shave the guilty one’s head and look for sixes. Far more simpler is to hand him a pen and see what he does with it.

Look around, people. The left-handed are everywhere and most of them don’t even try to hide it. Until we finally get a leader who will open the re-education camps or more loving mothers who diligently train their children with a steel-edged ruler every time one of them reaches for a milk bottle with the wrong hand, the left-handed will continue to walk among us. And who seeks to lead them? Barack “Lefty” Obama. This time, it’s divinely vetted proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Obama to Convert U.S. into 'Paradise City'

Joey Leone has a dirty job. He's the guy who pumps human waste from RVs and buses. "Hey," he says, "somebody's gotta do it. Why not me?" That's very American of you, Joey, and Obamadamus thanks you for your service.

On a recent rainy (Super) Tuesday, the Obama campaign bus pulled into his station to be off-loaded. Joey's not a very political guy, so it doesn't matter to him whether he pumps Donkey poo or Elephant crap. But as he was hooking up his system, he heard music inside the bus. And not just any music -- "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses.

"It never occurred to me until I found your website," Joey wrote, "but if you listen to those lyrics, it sounds like something straight out of the Koran."

Take me down to the Paradise City

Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Oh, won't you please take me home?

We never thought about it, either, Joey, and we're all-seeing, all-knowing prognosticators. Sounds like a jihadi's dream come true, doesn't it? He may as well be listening to Kat Stevens.

So there you have it. More proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on making America into his own Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls wear burkas.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Obamadamus Wins Endorsement

We are delighted to announce that on May 5, 2008, Swift Boat Soothsayers for Truth will endorse Obamadamus as “Grand Prognosticator of the Year.” This newly created award from Swift Boat Soothsayers recognizes “not only accuracy but also perspicaciousness in truth-seeking revelations about the false idols and dark forces that threaten our great nation.”

Swift Boat Soothsayers for Truth made history in 2004 when they revealed the ugly secret about then Democratic Presidential Nominee, John F. Kerry: he was a Catholic sleeper agent bent on destroying American from the inside out. Through their noble efforts, they were able to save the country from falling into the hands of a non-evangelical tyrant as they helped share the truth with America.

Obamadamus has been inspired by Swift Boat Soothsayers’ selfless efforts and hope we, too, can accomplish the same dramatic results when it comes to blanketing America with the eye-opening truth about this election’s dire threat: Barack Obama. “We predict that in the coming months, Obamadamus will continue to shine a cleansing light on the murk and filth of this process," SBS4T will say. "No one reads the tea leaves like Obamadamus.”

Wow. We can only hope to live up to such praise. Stay tuned, dear truth-seekers, as Obamadamus continues to fight the good fight, day and night, not just for you, but for all of America.

Obama Wishy-Washy on Super Bowl

In the lead-up to the Super Bowl, Obama was often asked who he was pulling for in the big game. "I'm a Bears fan," he always responded. When pressed, he said he didn't have a preference between the Patriots and the Giants, and simply hoped for a good game.

Jasper Crenshaw, a construction foreman, semi-professional archer, and Chevy truck driver from Boise, Idaho, recently wrote in with this analysis:

"Obama wouldn't pick either team because both their colors are red, white, and blue. The Patriots have a little gray in there, too, but mostly, they're Old Glory all the way. That's as good of proof as I've seen that the man is dangerous."

True that, Jasper. We already new the color blind were dangerous for denying the red, white, and blue of our flag. But if a normally sighted man can't endorse one of two teams wearing those sacred colors, then it's a sure sign he's a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Obama's Bald-Headed Truth

Justin Joe King has been running “The Hat Shop” off a busy exit on I-95 in South Carolina for 23 years. The 20,000 square foot store is the largest hat shop along the busy Eastern throughway. While it sells gas, vinegary Carolina barbeque, and other truck-stop treats, the store devotes most of its space to head wear.

“I even get kids who drive down from New York for new ‘lids’ as they like to call them—quirky stuff to kick off the school year,” King explained. “And with the dollar in the toilet right now, we’re getting a lot more foreign customers who are buying dozens of hats to bring back to Lithuania or wherever they’re from.”

For any hat enthusiast, The Hat Shop is quite a mecca, selling the usual suspects—foam-and-mesh trucker hats, sports team caps, logo wear—as well as more diverse head wear, like knit hats, fleece tops, uniform hats, novelty wigs, and so on.

“My family has been in the hat business for four generations,” King said. “My great grandpa started it all turning beavers into fur hats back in the day. I know hats. Hats are in my blood.” During the ubiquitous press coverage of last week’s Democratic Primary, King had a startling revelation. “I’ve never seen that Obama fella wearing a hat. Never.”

King put word out in the hat-wearing community to test his startling realization: had anyone seen Barak Obama wearing a hat? Ever? “None of them had. That got me worried.” In America, King explained, everyone owns—and wears—at least a few hats, and he can tell a lot about someone from the hat he or she chooses to wear. “My great grandpa used to say, ‘Maybe it’s the mercury talking, but I think hats are a telescope to the soul.’ So here’s a guy who never wears hats. I just gotta wonder: what about his soul is he trying to hide?”

Obamadamus knows the dark truth Obama is trying to hide. No hat, however big or beautiful, can keep a lid on the truth: that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. Obamadamus is asking all our readers to celebrate the truth tomorrow—and celebrate freedom—by wearing their favorite hat. We’re dusting off our tri-cornered colonial for the occasion….

Friday, February 1, 2008

Obama Won't Shorten His Name

Jerry Johnson is a die-hard Alabama football fan. His family has owned a set of season tickets since way back when Bear Bryant stalked the Tuscaloosa sidelines in his fedora. Jerry would do anything to help his Crimson Tide win a national championship, and recently, he had a pretty good idea how to do it. He wrote a letter to Barack Obama, and asked him to shorten his last name to 'Bama. His reasoning: having a President with the same last name as Alabama's nick name would do wonders for recruiting.

"Plus," he said, "it would make it a hell of a lot easier for people to say the guy's name. One fella I spoke with thought his first name was ‘Baracko,’ and a lot of people just thought the ‘O’ part was his middle name. Like ‘Barack O. Bama.’ That last one made the most sense to me, and it gave me the idea -- Roll Tide! So I wrote him and made the suggestion."

As it turns out, Obama replied to Jerry's letter with a personalized note, in his own handwriting, and on his fancy Senate letterhead. It read: "Funny Idea, Jerry, but I'll leave my name the way it is. Thanks for your support." That's it. In a phone call with Obamadamus, Jerry responded, "There's nothing funny about Alabama football. And if a man can't recognize a good idea when it comes along, I can't trust him as President."

We agree, Jerry. If Obama won't change his funny last name, especially when there are 29 electoral votes and a national title at stake, then it's just another sign that he's a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying our country from the inside-out. ROLL TIDE!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Obama Kicks Vendor Between the Wickets

Cindy Ashtoll is a special kind of baseball fan. This 42 year-old native of Chicago’s north side never misses a game – because it’s her job to be there. Cindy sells hotdogs, climbing aisle after aisle, step after step of her beloved Wrigley Field, sating her fellow die-hards with warm tube steaks wrapped in steamy, moist buns.

Due to her 25-year tenure at the park, Cindy gets the prime real estate – field level, covering home plate to first base. That’s where the big spenders are. Business leaders, celebrities, and politicians galore. Cindy’s accustomed to pushing wieners to big-wigs, and usually doesn’t think much of it, but one day during inter-league play, with the hated White Sox visiting Wrigley, she saw Barack Obama seated in her section. She admits to having been a bit smitten by the charismatic legislator at first. That is, until she learned a horrible truth.

First, Obama turned down her offer of a free hot dog. What red-blooded American turns down a free ball park hot dog? Evidently, one that don’t dig on swine, as we’ve already learned. But here’s the kicker – as a dejected Cindy turned to climb the stairs, she overheard one of Obama’s companions ask if he’s ever played baseball, to which the Senator replied, “No, but I played some cricket in Indonesia.” And that was the moment when Cindy saw the truth.

“Cricket!,” she exclaimed in an interview with Obamadamus. “That’s pretty much the Muslim national sport, isn’t it? I wouldn’t be surprised if he played soccer, too.”

So there you have it. Obama hates hot dogs and baseball, probably plays soccer, and if elected, will surely convert America’s national past-time to that of Pakistan’s. Just further evidence that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Obama Has a Cephalopod Appendage

Billy Snoot works as an freelance recycler in Honolulu, Hawaii, reclaiming abandoned aluminum cans, plastic bottles, construction-site copper wiring and the like from downtown Honolulu. But his shopping cart is also filled with plenty of fascinating stories from his decade-plus career as, over the years, he’s found items both bizarre and mundane, warming and heart-wrenching: the discarded bridal veil; a new pair of baby shoes; and toilet paper. The story he recently told Obamadamus, however, proves most fascinating of them all.

In the mid 1970’s, Snoot attended the Punahou School and was a classmate of its most famous graduate: Barack Hussein Obama. “I saw him around in the cafeteria and stuff like that,” Snoot explained. “In the hallways. I was on the vocational track, so we didn’t have classes together.”

One day, Snoot found himself in the school bathroom when Obama appeared at the urinal next to him. That’s when Snoot peered over and saw something very strange. “No, no, it won’t like that. I looked over ‘cause I thought his shoe was untied.” The realization was shocking. “That man has a squid penis. With tentacles and everything.”

Obamadamus contacted the Obama campaign for comment. A junior staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity would not confirm (or deny!) the existence of the candidate’s squid penis. “Well, I don’t know what he’s got in there. It’s not like it ever came up in a strategy meeting. But he’s got two beautiful kids and his wife is happy—I mean, I’ve seen them together and she’s really happy—so whatever he’s got going on seems to be working for them.”

Pressed further, the staffer tried to obfuscate the issue with some clever misdirection. “If you want a real mystery, find out what [former candidate Dennis] Kucinich’s secret is. I mean, have you seen his wife? 30 years younger and smoking hot. Yeah, he must have a pachyderm power package or something.”

Told about the dodge from the Obama campaign, Snoot stuck to his guns (of truth). “Maybe it wasn’t a squid. Maybe it was a cuttlefish. I always get them confused.”

Though the exact species may be in doubt, one thing isn’t: yet more proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. And, according to Snoot, he doesn’t recycle.

Obama And the Other White Meat

Jeb Ruddy operates “The Happy Pig” bbq stand at the Iowa State Fair. Using his father’s secret bbq sauce recipe and 100% mesquite wood fires, Ruddy serves up pulled pork sandwiches and spare ribs to thousands of state fair goers each year—well, thousands of fair goers minus one.

“All the candidates come through to my stand,” Ruddy noted. “We got a pretty good reputation in these parts.” What happened when Obama came through, glad-handing and talking about the wonders of corn-based ethanol?

“I had a pork sandwich all ready to go,” Ruddy told Obamadamus. According to Ruddy, Obama lifted off the bun and noticed it was pork inside. Then he handed the sandwich off to an aide.

Obama was the only candidate at the fair to refuse to eat a pork sandwich from Ruddy’s stand. Later, he allegedly was seen enjoying a tofu dog and a falafel sandwich. “I’m pretty sure he said, ‘I don’t dig on swine’ when he tossed away my sandwich.”

Swine, indeed. All just further proof Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Obama Reincarnated from Stalin

Edwin Dillerd of Pensacola, Florida, is a hard-working Pest Control Specialist, a father of two, and an avid Civil War Recreationist. Dillerd has risen quickly through the ranks of the Gulf Coast Confederacy’s First Division, and at 35, is the youngest man in the organization’s history to reach the rank of General, routinely taking on the role of the great Robert E. Lee, himself. Mr. Dillerd has a unique view on how he has so quickly acquired his now legendary battlefield acumen. He claims to have been reincarnated.

Despite serving as a Deacon at the First Methodist Church of Pensacola, Dillerd believes his soul has inhabited the bodies of hundreds of warriors throughout history. He can sketch the landscape from the Battle of Agincourt (1415 A.D) in uncannily precise detail, though he has never visited France, and can’t even find it on a map. He was promoted to black belt in Kung-Fu after only one week of study, then defeated his sensei in a match two days later, and now teaches sword fighting to inner-city kids in an after school program. Dillerd keeps a vivid dream journal, jotting down quotes, and sketching scenes, figures, and weapons from historical clashes he has never studied (he claims to not like reading much, and is a high school drop-out).

It was one of Dillerd’s most vivid recurring dreams that recently drove him to contact Obamadamus and share his story. Dillerd claims that in his most recent life, he was a soldier in the Russian Army: “After World War I, I was a body guard for some guy named Troutsky (sic.). In my dream, I helped him escape an ambush from these terrorist types, but was captured and tortured to death in a dungeon. This guy, Stalin, was in the room the whole time grilling me and directing the torture, and I swear, he looked just like Obama with a moustache. I have no doubt that Barrack Obama is Stalin reincarnated. My soul knows his soul.”

Mr. Dillerd was kind enough to send this astonishing sketch from his dream journal.

So, Obama is not only a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out, he’s also a COMMUNIST Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. Wake up America, and see the signs before it’s too late.