Obama Has a Cephalopod Appendage

Billy Snoot works as an freelance recycler in Honolulu, Hawaii, reclaiming abandoned aluminum cans, plastic bottles, construction-site copper wiring and the like from downtown Honolulu. But his shopping cart is also filled with plenty of fascinating stories from his decade-plus career as, over the years, he’s found items both bizarre and mundane, warming and heart-wrenching: the discarded bridal veil; a new pair of baby shoes; and toilet paper. The story he recently told Obamadamus, however, proves most fascinating of them all.

In the mid 1970’s, Snoot attended the Punahou School and was a classmate of its most famous graduate: Barack Hussein Obama. “I saw him around in the cafeteria and stuff like that,” Snoot explained. “In the hallways. I was on the vocational track, so we didn’t have classes together.”

One day, Snoot found himself in the school bathroom when Obama appeared at the urinal next to him. That’s when Snoot peered over and saw something very strange. “No, no, it won’t like that. I looked over ‘cause I thought his shoe was untied.” The realization was shocking. “That man has a squid penis. With tentacles and everything.”

Obamadamus contacted the Obama campaign for comment. A junior staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity would not confirm (or deny!) the existence of the candidate’s squid penis. “Well, I don’t know what he’s got in there. It’s not like it ever came up in a strategy meeting. But he’s got two beautiful kids and his wife is happy—I mean, I’ve seen them together and she’s really happy—so whatever he’s got going on seems to be working for them.”

Pressed further, the staffer tried to obfuscate the issue with some clever misdirection. “If you want a real mystery, find out what [former candidate Dennis] Kucinich’s secret is. I mean, have you seen his wife? 30 years younger and smoking hot. Yeah, he must have a pachyderm power package or something.”

Told about the dodge from the Obama campaign, Snoot stuck to his guns (of truth). “Maybe it wasn’t a squid. Maybe it was a cuttlefish. I always get them confused.”


Though the exact species may be in doubt, one thing isn’t: yet more proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. And, according to Snoot, he doesn’t recycle.