Obama Puts the "Sin" in "Sinister"?

Obamadamus has many helpful and devoted truth-hounds who help us ferret out the truth about Beelzebama. But our latest revelation has come not from this grassroots freedom pipeline but from a more banal source: CNN.

While watching the Democratic Debate on Thursday night (to keep track of the what the enemy is saying, of course), both candidates took notes—or drew pictures of each other or whatever one pretended to pensively write while the other exhaled lies. Over the course of this dreadful dramedy, Obamadamus noticed Barack Obama pick up his pen with his left hand. That’s right: Obama is LEFT-HANDED.

As all Christians know, when JC finally makes good on the return half of his round-trip ticket, Earth will experience The Last Judgment. The world will be divided between the saved and the sinners, with the blessed on the right side of God, waved on with his right hand and into Heaven. And on his left? The damned, who get a pimp slap with the back of his left hand as he sends them down to Hell. To the right: Heaven. To the left: Hell. It is no surprise, then, that “left” and “left-handed” have their Latin roots in “sinister" (and you don't have to know Latin to realize that left=liberal). Most people think that to see the Sign of the Beast, you have to shave the guilty one’s head and look for sixes. Far more simpler is to hand him a pen and see what he does with it.

Look around, people. The left-handed are everywhere and most of them don’t even try to hide it. Until we finally get a leader who will open the re-education camps or more loving mothers who diligently train their children with a steel-edged ruler every time one of them reaches for a milk bottle with the wrong hand, the left-handed will continue to walk among us. And who seeks to lead them? Barack “Lefty” Obama. This time, it’s divinely vetted proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Obama to Convert U.S. into 'Paradise City'

Joey Leone has a dirty job. He's the guy who pumps human waste from RVs and buses. "Hey," he says, "somebody's gotta do it. Why not me?" That's very American of you, Joey, and Obamadamus thanks you for your service.

On a recent rainy (Super) Tuesday, the Obama campaign bus pulled into his station to be off-loaded. Joey's not a very political guy, so it doesn't matter to him whether he pumps Donkey poo or Elephant crap. But as he was hooking up his system, he heard music inside the bus. And not just any music -- "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses.

"It never occurred to me until I found your website," Joey wrote, "but if you listen to those lyrics, it sounds like something straight out of the Koran."

Take me down to the Paradise City
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Oh, won't you please take me home?

We never thought about it, either, Joey, and we're all-seeing, all-knowing prognosticators. Sounds like a jihadi's dream come true, doesn't it? He may as well be listening to Kat Stevens.

So there you have it. More proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on making America into his own Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls wear burkas.

Obamadamus Wins Endorsement

We are delighted to announce that on May 5, 2008, Swift Boat Soothsayers for Truth will endorse Obamadamus as “Grand Prognosticator of the Year.” This newly created award from Swift Boat Soothsayers recognizes “not only accuracy but also perspicaciousness in truth-seeking revelations about the false idols and dark forces that threaten our great nation.”

Swift Boat Soothsayers for Truth made history in 2004 when they revealed the ugly secret about then Democratic Presidential Nominee, John F. Kerry: he was a Catholic sleeper agent bent on destroying American from the inside out. Through their noble efforts, they were able to save the country from falling into the hands of a non-evangelical tyrant as they helped share the truth with America.

Obamadamus has been inspired by Swift Boat Soothsayers’ selfless efforts and hope we, too, can accomplish the same dramatic results when it comes to blanketing America with the eye-opening truth about this election’s dire threat: Barack Obama. “We predict that in the coming months, Obamadamus will continue to shine a cleansing light on the murk and filth of this process," SBS4T will say. "No one reads the tea leaves like Obamadamus.”



Wow. We can only hope to live up to such praise. Stay tuned, dear truth-seekers, as Obamadamus continues to fight the good fight, day and night, not just for you, but for all of America.

Obama Wishy-Washy on Super Bowl

In the lead-up to the Super Bowl, Obama was often asked who he was pulling for in the big game. "I'm a Bears fan," he always responded. When pressed, he said he didn't have a preference between the Patriots and the Giants, and simply hoped for a good game.

Jasper Crenshaw, a construction foreman, semi-professional archer, and Chevy truck driver from Boise, Idaho, recently wrote in with this analysis:

"Obama wouldn't pick either team because both their colors are red, white, and blue. The Patriots have a little gray in there, too, but mostly, they're Old Glory all the way. That's as good of proof as I've seen that the man is dangerous."

True that, Jasper. We already new the color blind were dangerous for denying the red, white, and blue of our flag. But if a normally sighted man can't endorse one of two teams wearing those sacred colors, then it's a sure sign he's a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Obama's Bald-Headed Truth

Justin Joe King has been running “The Hat Shop” off a busy exit on I-95 in South Carolina for 23 years. The 20,000 square foot store is the largest hat shop along the busy Eastern throughway. While it sells gas, vinegary Carolina barbeque, and other truck-stop treats, the store devotes most of its space to head wear.

“I even get kids who drive down from New York for new ‘lids’ as they like to call them—quirky stuff to kick off the school year,” King explained. “And with the dollar in the toilet right now, we’re getting a lot more foreign customers who are buying dozens of hats to bring back to Lithuania or wherever they’re from.”

For any hat enthusiast, The Hat Shop is quite a mecca, selling the usual suspects—foam-and-mesh trucker hats, sports team caps, logo wear—as well as more diverse head wear, like knit hats, fleece tops, uniform hats, novelty wigs, and so on.

“My family has been in the hat business for four generations,” King said. “My great grandpa started it all turning beavers into fur hats back in the day. I know hats. Hats are in my blood.” During the ubiquitous press coverage of last week’s Democratic Primary, King had a startling revelation. “I’ve never seen that Obama fella wearing a hat. Never.”

King put word out in the hat-wearing community to test his startling realization: had anyone seen Barak Obama wearing a hat? Ever? “None of them had. That got me worried.” In America, King explained, everyone owns—and wears—at least a few hats, and he can tell a lot about someone from the hat he or she chooses to wear. “My great grandpa used to say, ‘Maybe it’s the mercury talking, but I think hats are a telescope to the soul.’ So here’s a guy who never wears hats. I just gotta wonder: what about his soul is he trying to hide?”


Obamadamus knows the dark truth Obama is trying to hide. No hat, however big or beautiful, can keep a lid on the truth: that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. Obamadamus is asking all our readers to celebrate the truth tomorrow—and celebrate freedom—by wearing their favorite hat. We’re dusting off our tri-cornered colonial for the occasion….

Obama Won't Shorten His Name

Jerry Johnson is a die-hard Alabama football fan. His family has owned a set of season tickets since way back when Bear Bryant stalked the Tuscaloosa sidelines in his fedora. Jerry would do anything to help his Crimson Tide win a national championship, and recently, he had a pretty good idea how to do it. He wrote a letter to Barack Obama, and asked him to shorten his last name to 'Bama. His reasoning: having a President with the same last name as Alabama's nick name would do wonders for recruiting.

"Plus," he said, "it would make it a hell of a lot easier for people to say the guy's name. One fella I spoke with thought his first name was ‘Baracko,’ and a lot of people just thought the ‘O’ part was his middle name. Like ‘Barack O. Bama.’ That last one made the most sense to me, and it gave me the idea -- Roll Tide! So I wrote him and made the suggestion."

As it turns out, Obama replied to Jerry's letter with a personalized note, in his own handwriting, and on his fancy Senate letterhead. It read: "Funny Idea, Jerry, but I'll leave my name the way it is. Thanks for your support." That's it. In a phone call with Obamadamus, Jerry responded, "There's nothing funny about Alabama football. And if a man can't recognize a good idea when it comes along, I can't trust him as President."


We agree, Jerry. If Obama won't change his funny last name, especially when there are 29 electoral votes and a national title at stake, then it's just another sign that he's a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying our country from the inside-out. ROLL TIDE!