Obama Kicks Vendor Between the Wickets

Cindy Ashtoll is a special kind of baseball fan. This 42 year-old native of Chicago’s north side never misses a game – because it’s her job to be there. Cindy sells hotdogs, climbing aisle after aisle, step after step of her beloved Wrigley Field, sating her fellow die-hards with warm tube steaks wrapped in steamy, moist buns.

Due to her 25-year tenure at the park, Cindy gets the prime real estate – field level, covering home plate to first base. That’s where the big spenders are. Business leaders, celebrities, and politicians galore. Cindy’s accustomed to pushing wieners to big-wigs, and usually doesn’t think much of it, but one day during inter-league play, with the hated White Sox visiting Wrigley, she saw Barack Obama seated in her section. She admits to having been a bit smitten by the charismatic legislator at first. That is, until she learned a horrible truth.

First, Obama turned down her offer of a free hot dog. What red-blooded American turns down a free ball park hot dog? Evidently, one that don’t dig on swine, as we’ve already learned. But here’s the kicker – as a dejected Cindy turned to climb the stairs, she overheard one of Obama’s companions ask if he’s ever played baseball, to which the Senator replied, “No, but I played some cricket in Indonesia.” And that was the moment when Cindy saw the truth.

“Cricket!,” she exclaimed in an interview with Obamadamus. “That’s pretty much the Muslim national sport, isn’t it? I wouldn’t be surprised if he played soccer, too.”

So there you have it. Obama hates hot dogs and baseball, probably plays soccer, and if elected, will surely convert America’s national past-time to that of Pakistan’s. Just further evidence that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Obama Has a Cephalopod Appendage

Billy Snoot works as an freelance recycler in Honolulu, Hawaii, reclaiming abandoned aluminum cans, plastic bottles, construction-site copper wiring and the like from downtown Honolulu. But his shopping cart is also filled with plenty of fascinating stories from his decade-plus career as, over the years, he’s found items both bizarre and mundane, warming and heart-wrenching: the discarded bridal veil; a new pair of baby shoes; and toilet paper. The story he recently told Obamadamus, however, proves most fascinating of them all.

In the mid 1970’s, Snoot attended the Punahou School and was a classmate of its most famous graduate: Barack Hussein Obama. “I saw him around in the cafeteria and stuff like that,” Snoot explained. “In the hallways. I was on the vocational track, so we didn’t have classes together.”

One day, Snoot found himself in the school bathroom when Obama appeared at the urinal next to him. That’s when Snoot peered over and saw something very strange. “No, no, it won’t like that. I looked over ‘cause I thought his shoe was untied.” The realization was shocking. “That man has a squid penis. With tentacles and everything.”

Obamadamus contacted the Obama campaign for comment. A junior staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity would not confirm (or deny!) the existence of the candidate’s squid penis. “Well, I don’t know what he’s got in there. It’s not like it ever came up in a strategy meeting. But he’s got two beautiful kids and his wife is happy—I mean, I’ve seen them together and she’s really happy—so whatever he’s got going on seems to be working for them.”

Pressed further, the staffer tried to obfuscate the issue with some clever misdirection. “If you want a real mystery, find out what [former candidate Dennis] Kucinich’s secret is. I mean, have you seen his wife? 30 years younger and smoking hot. Yeah, he must have a pachyderm power package or something.”

Told about the dodge from the Obama campaign, Snoot stuck to his guns (of truth). “Maybe it wasn’t a squid. Maybe it was a cuttlefish. I always get them confused.”


Though the exact species may be in doubt, one thing isn’t: yet more proof that Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. And, according to Snoot, he doesn’t recycle.

Obama And the Other White Meat

Jeb Ruddy operates “The Happy Pig” bbq stand at the Iowa State Fair. Using his father’s secret bbq sauce recipe and 100% mesquite wood fires, Ruddy serves up pulled pork sandwiches and spare ribs to thousands of state fair goers each year—well, thousands of fair goers minus one.

“All the candidates come through to my stand,” Ruddy noted. “We got a pretty good reputation in these parts.” What happened when Obama came through, glad-handing and talking about the wonders of corn-based ethanol?

“I had a pork sandwich all ready to go,” Ruddy told Obamadamus. According to Ruddy, Obama lifted off the bun and noticed it was pork inside. Then he handed the sandwich off to an aide.

Obama was the only candidate at the fair to refuse to eat a pork sandwich from Ruddy’s stand. Later, he allegedly was seen enjoying a tofu dog and a falafel sandwich. “I’m pretty sure he said, ‘I don’t dig on swine’ when he tossed away my sandwich.”

Swine, indeed. All just further proof Obama is a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out.

Obama Reincarnated from Stalin

Edwin Dillerd of Pensacola, Florida, is a hard-working Pest Control Specialist, a father of two, and an avid Civil War Recreationist. Dillerd has risen quickly through the ranks of the Gulf Coast Confederacy’s First Division, and at 35, is the youngest man in the organization’s history to reach the rank of General, routinely taking on the role of the great Robert E. Lee, himself. Mr. Dillerd has a unique view on how he has so quickly acquired his now legendary battlefield acumen. He claims to have been reincarnated.

Despite serving as a Deacon at the First Methodist Church of Pensacola, Dillerd believes his soul has inhabited the bodies of hundreds of warriors throughout history. He can sketch the landscape from the Battle of Agincourt (1415 A.D) in uncannily precise detail, though he has never visited France, and can’t even find it on a map. He was promoted to black belt in Kung-Fu after only one week of study, then defeated his sensei in a match two days later, and now teaches sword fighting to inner-city kids in an after school program. Dillerd keeps a vivid dream journal, jotting down quotes, and sketching scenes, figures, and weapons from historical clashes he has never studied (he claims to not like reading much, and is a high school drop-out).

It was one of Dillerd’s most vivid recurring dreams that recently drove him to contact Obamadamus and share his story. Dillerd claims that in his most recent life, he was a soldier in the Russian Army: “After World War I, I was a body guard for some guy named Troutsky (sic.). In my dream, I helped him escape an ambush from these terrorist types, but was captured and tortured to death in a dungeon. This guy, Stalin, was in the room the whole time grilling me and directing the torture, and I swear, he looked just like Obama with a moustache. I have no doubt that Barrack Obama is Stalin reincarnated. My soul knows his soul.”

Mr. Dillerd was kind enough to send this astonishing sketch from his dream journal.

So, Obama is not only a Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out, he’s also a COMMUNIST Muslim sleeper agent bent on destroying America from the inside out. Wake up America, and see the signs before it’s too late.